Fighting For You
by Gpunk
Summary: It was never this cold here. I was never this broken, never this alone. She’s dead I am too. Not really but I am so far gone I might as well be dead. She was drunk again, go figure. She promised and I believed her.
1. Cold

_It was never this cold here. I was never this broken, never this alone. She's dead I am too. Not really but I am so far gone I might as well be dead. She was drunk again, go figure. She promised and I believed her. I was stupid, so was she. She got in the car and drove, fast. The police say she never could have seen the bridge in her state. The medical examiner said it was quick witch I guess is good, but part of me wish she suffered for every thing she put me through._

_I hated her so much, but I miss her even more. Every one of the rooms is a memory of her passed out or piss drunk. At least then I felt like I had a purpose. To take care of her to watch her, make sure she didn't do something stupid… ha I guess I failed there. It's been three months, seventy five cuts and zero tears. People say it's bad that I don't let the tears fall, but there are none. I've bleed for her I will not cry for her, ever._

"Hello Ellie" Jay said. If she didn't turn to look at him she would have never known it was hi. There was something different in his voice, not pity, she hated pity. She could smell pity from a mile away. No. This was different it was concern.

"What do you need?" she asked her voice free of any emotion.

"Look I know it's not really what you would expect from me, but I just wanted to see how you're doing" he said sincerely. Sincerity, not something commonly associated with Jay.

"I am fine" she lied trying to fake sincerity. "Really" she said catching the unsure look he sent her.

"Look I know it's been a while since we have hung out and I think maybe we should catch a movie or something."

"Jay, that's nice and all but I don't need your pity, I'm ok" she said defensively.

"Don't give me that, you know mw better than that and don't tell me your ok because I know you better then that" it was true he knew her better. "Look I'm not giving up until you say yes" he said sitting down at the table she had staring at intently. "So what do you say?"

"I say yes if it will make you go away" she said half joking. She knew he was relentless. He nodded and she sighed. "Pick me up at eight?"

"You got it El." He said smiling before he stood up to leave. Before he walked away and she was clear he said "Just so you know I'll never leave you alone" he said smirking "Ever." With that he walked away, leaving her speechless, but not thoughtless.

_Jay Hogart, not really the caring kind or so people think. The truth is he hung out with me everyday when Sean left, but when I moved back in we lost touch. I always thought he hung around because he thought it was his fault that Sean left. Ever since he got back in school he's been a changed man. He's been working on his grades volunteering trying to change and yes I have noticed._

_He apologized to Jimmy which no expected. They never knew he had such a big heart, but I did, he proved on the one night I needed him the most. After Sean left, jay helped me through the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Worse than my cutting my mothers were drinking and Sean leaving all together. I never knew he was capable of compassion until that night that changed it all._


	2. You can't save me

Jay's pov

_We decided to stay at her house and watch T.V. just like old times. Who am I kidding nothing is the same. Sean is gone her dad is gone her mom is dead and so is she, in a way. No one is the same, not even me, but I can pretend for one night, I can pretend for her. I grabbed the key from under the plant and opened the door, just like old times. She probably didn't hear me. I walked up to her room and I heard music, some slow rock song. Her door was open I was going to knock any way but then I saw her. She was dancing slowly losing her self to the song; she was wearing shorts and a tank top. Her hair was down natural I didn't mean to stare but she looked so peaceful, which is rare for her and I didn't want to interrupt. She never looked more beautiful._

Here she is again on the phone  
Just like me; hates to be alone  
We just like to sit at home  
And rip on the president.  
Meet Virginia  
Well she wants to live her life  
And she thinks about her life  
Pulls her hair back and she screams,  
"I don't really want to live this life!"

Elllie's pov

_I must have lost myself in the song; I couldn't help it I just felt so free. Loosing myself in the sound of the acoustic guitar and finding my self in the words. This song it just helps me escape from every thing around and for a split second it makes me feel like I am not alone. When I turned around and glanced up I saw jay just staring at me. We locked eyes and stood there from what felt like forever._

"How long where you here" she asked breathlessly.

"A while" he said holding her gaze.

Silently she threw on a pair of pants over her shorts and walked past him. Jay sensed her embarrassment and she new it.

"I don't know why you're embarrassed I've seen you in a lot less." He said kicking himself as soon as he the words left his head. "Look I didn't mean to bring up the...

He was cut off by Ellies shameful look "… the worst night of my life, look I don't care any more it's been 6 months I am over it: she said moving to sit on the couch.

"You don't have to be over it, you're not supposed to be you were…"

"Don't say it don't you dare say it" she said fire pouring her eyes.

"You were raped, Ellie it's real and I know it must be heard with your mom dying only three months after and…"

"Shut up... Just shut the fuck up, you don't know what its like don't you even dare say that." She had a look in her eye that could kill. "The only reason you were even there was because you were fucking some whore in the van at the ravine and found me behind the van. So don't make it sound like you know because you have no idea what he did to me." She finished, screaming.

"Tell me tell me what he did, let it out" he said whispering "let me be here for you let me help you"

She fell to the floor in tears "No, I cant, I won't" as he came over to her hugging her she stared at him and asked "why are you doing this"

"Doing what?" he asked

"Helping me" she answered. "Why"

"Because I want to" he stated softly.

Still in his embrace she looked at him "You can't save me, Jay"

"I don't believe that" he answered.

"I meant to be in pain" she countered.

"I don't believe that either" he said softly

"What do you believe in?" she said almost chuckling, _Almost._

"You, I believe in you" he answered.


	3. All Out OF God

Sorry I took so long to post thanx for all the reviews… oh the song was Meet Virginia By Train. And incase your lost Ellie and jay are seniors. Hope u enjoy!!

**Warning: this Chpt deals with religious issues please don't take offense or don't read. **

_Love gabie_

It's been for months since Ellie's minor breakdown. Jay had basically moved in and they were inseparable. Ellie was walking down the hall of degrassi some what content when Darcy stops her.

"Ellie, wait up." She said running to catch up. "I heard about your mom and I wanted to say I m sorry and encourage to let god into your life."

"Thanks but no thanks." Ellie said, trying not to slap her. She didn't need a lecture on god.

"Ellie, god could save you, just let him." Darcy tried to reason.

"What about my mom, he didn't save her." Ellie retorted, anger rising.

"Some people just aren't worth saving." Darcy said dead serious.

"Screw you and your god. You didn't know my mother and you don't know me so I suggest you go read your bible or something before I do something you're going to regret. " Ellie said livid.

"You don't scare me I have the light of god behind me." Darcy screamed and with that she slapped Ellie. _Big mistake._

"Lights out" Ellie said as she punched Darcy in the face causing her to fly to the ground.

"Power of god, shine through this poor girl." Darcy said pushing Ellie.

"God doesn't live here, psycho." Ellie said pushing her to the floor and punching her continuously. "Don't you ever talk about me or my mother again!" Ellie screamed as she kept hitting her.

Just then she felt some one pull her off, she didn't have to turn around to know who was holding her back.

"You're mother was a bad parent and a stupid drunk!" screamed Darcy as spinner helped her off the floor.

"Darcy shut up before I let Ellie re kick your ass." Jay said doing his best to keep Ellie back without hurting her.

"God did us a favor taking your despicable excuse for a mother out of this world! Don't you see Ellie no on loves you.. Your own mother drank her self dead to get away from you, your father fights wars to stay away Sean killed some one to get away and even you cut your self because you hate yourself. Nobody loves you… not even God." Screamed Darcy.

"That's it" said spinner "Jay let Ellie kick her ass" spinner said serious as he ever was.

"Rot in hell" said Ellie almost whispering as she ran away to the car.

Running as fast as she can Ellie got in to jays car, refusing to let anyone see her cry. When jay got in to the car, Ellie was crying harder then he ever saw her cry. Jay drove away from the school. Finally he stopped driving they were actually no where.

"She's right you know" said ellie finally.

"About what?" Jay asked.

"No one loves me, none could." Ellie said crying

"She's wrong, I love you." He said lifting her face to kiss her.

"No, I cant" Ellie said running out into the rain that just began to fall.


	4. Ill Try

_I've watched you so long  
screamed your name  
I don't know what else  
I can say  
But I'll leave my window open  
Cause I'm too tired tonight  
for all these games  
Just know I'm right here hoping  
You'll come in with the rain_

"Why can't you, why Ellie?" Asked Jay, as he caught up with her, Putting his hands on her shoulders, he stared at he thinking _Even in the rain with black stuff pouring down her face she's beautiful. _

"Because I cant, Jay you don't love me, you pity me there's a big difference" She stated ripping her self from his grasp. "Just please, leave me, I am not you're community service project".

"How can you say that?" He demanded, stepping back "How can you think that I'm, pitying you after everything we have been through, why would I pity you," he asked sounding lost.

"Why else would you say you love me, why?" She screamed at no one in particular. The rain felt like ice to her cream colored skin. "Sean 'loved' me to, after he found I was a cutter…"

"I'm NOT Sean" he interrupted angrily, "I will not hurt you like he, did, never, and I would never violate you like Ryan did that night". HE finished sensing more than seeing her look warning him not go there, the rain was coming harder now but he didn't care he need to say this and she needed to hear this. "I love you, I love everything about you, the way you laugh, the way you think or how you always give your change to the homeless man outside of the dot. I love you and I want love you, so why wont you let me?" He asked as he gently turned her face to meet his gaze.

"Because I'm a victim and an orphan and a cutter and you deserve better Jay." She admitted barley above a whisper. "Even if you didn't how, could I believe you wouldn't hurt me how? After everything, why should I believe you are different?"

"Because I' am Jay Hogart, and before I knew you I was a professional asshole and then Sean left and Ryan… well, you know and first time in my life someone needed me and me and wanted help from me. You told me I could be better you weren't afraid of didn't think of me as any of things I have done, and now I' am here selflessly for you in the rain fighting for you fighting for better things, you are the only one whose ever believed in me so don't stop now, please believe in me cause I believe in you."

She didn't know what to say, so she kissed him like she's never kissed anyone before, giving him everything she had and as the rain soaked through her close and down her hair she kissed him. Her hands running through his hair as his hungry hand made their way down to her hips staying their, knowing he had to be respectful, it was hard especially when her tongue shyly licked his lips begging for entrance that he gladly granted. They kissed as they if they were the last people left at he end of the world with nothing left to loose.

She pulled away catching her breath. She reached for his hands holding them in her own, if he wanted a chance with her if he would stand here in the rain and fight for her… then she was his.

"I can't give you everything you deserve those things were broken along time ago" she whispered looking at the ground, "But I am willing to try." She finished meeting his eyes.

He smiled at her leaning down to kiss her gently before grabbing her hands and leading her out of the rain and into his car. As he opened the door for her like he had many times before, he looked in her eyes and saw something has never seen before, _trust._ He closed the door and went to his side of the car, he got in and started it up, he turned to her wanting desperately to say the things he knew still haven't said, but he knew that they have both come far tonight and all other worries would have to wait. Tonight he with her and that's all that mattered. He drove away as they headed back to her house, knowing full well that there was more to come, it wouldn't be this easy.


	5. Back to Black

She poured her heart out in the rain

She poured her heart out in the rain  
He shut her out drove home the pain  
She took a breath nothing came  
She tried again more of the same

How can she drown anymore?  
Dreams in ashes on the floor  
When does she say  
"I've had enough, no more,  
Anymore"

_Flashback_

"_Come on baby, just give in." She only had half a beer, but she was so tired, she was fighting as much as she could but she knew there was no point, he was going to take what he wanted and she had no choice, she had no chance. "no" she cried, barley above a whisper, her voice was gone stolen just like her virtue, she could hear his panting and feel his breath, cold and dirty on her neck as he kissed her, and she could do nothing as she lay there with a single tear slowly dripping down her porcelain face. Then the darkness came slowly, almost comforting like an old friend coming to release her from this nightmare if only for a moment._

_End Flashback_

He held her hand as he walked to the locker they shared. He was proud, maybe people snickered at them and mocked their relationship, but he was proud, he found a girl who he could love that is willing to love him back. She was doing better but he knew she had her daemons, but he was ready to fight them by her side holding her hand the entire way.

He leaned against the locker watching her; she was so beautiful in her jeans and a baby tee, wearing his hat on her flowing, uncombed hair. "what?' she asked, she felt his eyes on her she always did, she loved they way she felt when he looked at her, warm and loved. "You're beautiful" he whispered she smiled and leaned up for kiss. His lips moved against hers gently, he kissed her like she was something precious that he could brake if he wasn't careful, but mostly he kissed her like he meant it, sincerity dripping from his lips. As the kiss deepened, she felt his hands find their familiar place on her hips, she knew it was hard for him not to go further, but she loved him for being so cautious. "I'm sorry" she said as she broke the kiss, not daring to look in his eyes. "Sorry for what baby?" he asked confused and concerned. "I know you want more and I wish I could give it to you", "El, don't even start, I love you and ill wait for you, forever if I had to because your worth it, you are so worth it."

She smiled as the bell rang, he made them late again but she couldn't care, "look I don't want to bring up know and I know I said id wait till your ready, but we need to talk tonight about Ryan." "Jay why?, Everything is so great right now, why do we need to bring it up?". He looked down, afraid of her reaction to what he was about to say, and just as he opens his mouth, he hears the voice of the very person he was dreading, "Hey Jay!" "Babe who's that? Who's calling your name?" Ellie begged, fear in her eyes, she knew that voice all to well. Jay turns to face the love of his life and as he looks into her eyes he can tell in his heart that she already knows, "its Ryan" he whispers," he's back."


	6. Be your cure

_I submit no excuse.  
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.  
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells  
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure._

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?  
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,  
so I sat alone and waited out the night.  
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.  
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.  
I'm not writing my goodbyes.

I'm not letting you check out.  
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.  
I'm there to monitor your breathing  
I will watch you while you're sleeping.  
I will keep you safe and sound.  


"Ryans back"

My knees went weak at his words and then it all went black. When my eyes reopened I was in my bed hoping like hell that I was waking up from a bad dream, please just let it be another dream. I could feel Jay watching me and when my eyes met his I knew it was real. The second my life starts to become slightly bearable, it all goes to hell again, that stupid bitch Darcy is right, god does hate me.

I looked at him and knew he knew the question before I asked it but I was going to ask him anyway, "how long did you know?" His silence was louder than any words he could speak; he couldn't even look at me as I sat up in bed. "Dammit Jay, how long?" His eyes rose to meet mine and I could see the remorse, I knew my voice was harsh but I didn't care how could he not tell me? "A few weeks" he whispered looking down again. "How was I supposed to tell you El, every time I try to talk about it you shut down?" He said in a pleading voice. "there is nothing to talk about" I said with conviction, "I'm over it" I lied as I got out of bed, we both knew I was lying the question was who exactly was I lying to. "like hell you are" he screamed "you passed out today, and don't say it was cause you were surprised, El you carry this with you all the time I see the fear in your eyes when I touch you its just a flash but I see it and it kills me." 'Jay.. i.." I couldn't even look at him I knew I'd wind up hurting him, " El this isn't your cross to bare alone share the weight with me." "I can't", "Why not? Just tell me, tell me everything let it out say it out loud for the first time instead of holding it inside." I couldn't tell him, how could I tell the man I love, every sick and twisted detail of that night. He walked over to me intertwining his fingers with mine "what are you afraid of?" "I looked down I couldn't face him. "Im scared that if I told you my story and if showed you all the scars you wouldn't want me anymore, you'd see how damaged I really and run away, I mean who really wants to love someone they have to fix right?" He grunted in frustration and lifted my face so that my gaze met his, "I love you no matter what and if we are ever going to truly move on we are going to have to get through this together." I knew he was right but I just couldn't. he stared at me a moment longer and could still see the fear in my eyes he dropped my hands, "I can't take that look in your eyes El, I just whish you could trust me" he whispered defeated as he turned to leave, my voice caught him just at his hand grabbed the door, "What do you want me to do Jay? Scream? Cry? Do you want me to tell you everything he did to me? How he laughed when I cried, how he snickered when he learned I was a virgin, what his hands felt like as they traced over every inch of my body over and over again,. Do you wanna hear all the twisted things that he whispered in my ear? Do you?... yes okay I'm not over it and sometimes I get scared to move further with you cause my only experience with anyone was being raped on the tainted shag carpet floor of some old ass van. But I love you and I wanna be with you and maybe I do need to tell you but you cant force me to it has to be my choice because I've already had enough choices taken from me and I can't loose another one." The tears streaming down my face wouldn't stop as he stared at me and I knew he saw right through me he just needed to hear me say the things he knew were true, I gave him something maybe not what he wanted but I gave him all I could at the moment. "please don't leave me" I whispered, hating my voice for sounding so weak and needy, I knew he was in pain from this to but he pushed that aside and he came over to me grabbed my hands and his eyes found mine through the tears, "I wont ever leave, I just wish I could make you believe or make you forget" I hugged him and held on for dear life "you're the only thing that's ever made me believe Jay." "I will save you El even if I have to save you from yourself." I hope that he keeps this promise cause I really don't know if ill make it alone.


End file.
